Perhaps you're wondering why I haven't written much lately. Did I fall off the map? Have I sunk into a gloomy despair? No, on both accounts...although South Georgia is very nearly the end of the map!
I have been keeping myself busy in Camden helping to clean out Dad's house. There are several lifetimes worth of STUFF that has accumulated and needs to be investigated, sorted, purged and organized. It has taken days to just figure out what kind of craft supplies Mom had, let alone figure out what to do with all of it.
It's a bittersweet chore, to be sure. On one had, the sheer number of works-in-progress is testament to Mom's passion for crafting and creative drive. It's sad, though, to think that she never saw these projects finished. She never had the chance to delight in the finished item or the joy on the face of the person who would have been lucky enough to receive one of her gifts. I know that she was able to find this joy in the multitudes of things that she did finish during her life, and that it was a blessing to her and all those her were blessed to know her.
The hardest part has been realizing that I really can't keep everything. I hate the feeling that I'm throwing away the last few tangible, material possessions that I have of my Mother. Of course I'm not throwing away everything. But even with the hundreds of books, balls of yarn, patterns, yards upon yards of fabric and various other supplies that I will be keeping it still feels harsh and raw to part with anything that was hers. Yet again the battle between the logical (even Mom couldn't use everything she had, how could I be expected to!) and the emotional (I've lost my Mom, I can't lose all her stuff, too!) process of grief is fought out on the battlefield of this little house.
I've borrowed a friend's knitting machine and have been trying to make use of some of the hundreds of balls of yarn that I have found squirreled around the house. Yes, you read that correctly: hundreds. I have donated so much stuff to the Senior Center and Camden House and Goodwill, but it feels like I've hardly even made a dent. It's a good thing I have a few weeks left before I head back to Connecticut...I'll need it!
Speaking of heading back, I've realized that I don't know exactly what I'll be heading back to. I feel like my life as I knew it in November hardly exists anymore. I need to figure out what my new life will look like. What choices will I make? How will I live my life in such a way as to honor the memory of my Mother and my best friend?
I do know that, above all else, I want to live a good life. I want to have a comfortable place to call home, where friends can gather for tea and laughs and tears. I want to spend time in nature, growing happiness within and without. I want to work at a job that leaves me more energized at the end of the day than when I started (this might be a stretch, but it's worth shooting for!). I want to let all those who are important to me know that I value, respect and cherish them.
This post was supposed to be about searching for a new job... I guess I had a few other things that I did realized I would be searching for as well. Like the sermon that Dad is writing at the moment, life is full of beginnings. Even when you feel as though you are surrounded on all sides by endings, it's just a matter of shifting your perspective to see that they are all beginnings.
