A New Kind of Normal

And so it begins: the process of adjusting to a new kind of normal. I have lost so much this month that I don't really know which way to turn.

Losing my Mom was/is such a huge thing to deal with that even if it were the only adjustment it would still be difficult. I nearly lost it the first time I walked into a craft store and realized that I would never again be calling her for advice or to ask a question. I always viewed my Mom as a wealth of knowledge and a valuable sounding board, and somehow I'll have to learn to live without that assest. I have not even begin to comprehend the loss of my friendship with her... I was able to find a few gifts that she had ordered or completed for me and Joy for Christmas, so we were able to open those today. It really bothered me that I couldn't find what she was planning for Dad. I know she had things in mind for him, but she had been feeling so poorly that she never had a chance to start his gifts. It's hard for me to believe that she is really gone. Gone.

Losing Jen was a blow of another kind. She was my childhood friend, my partner in crime. In many ways she was like a sister to me, except we were together by choice, not genetics. I have more fond memories of her parent's house than I do of just about any place I've actually lived. Her memorial was difficult, humbling, and uplifting. It was so hard to just show up because it felt like it was making her loss real. I was humbled by how included I was in the stories of Jen's life. I felt like it validated my claim to feeling like part of the family (a hard thing to accept after just suffering such a loss to my own family). But, I think most importantly, it was uplifting to see just how many lives Jen touched. I always knew she was an amazing person. But to see so many people from so many different aspects of her life reaffirmed that belief.

In the middle of all these personal struggles is the loss of my job. My contract expired and was not renewed, so I am now unemployed. It's not as traumatic as some of the other things I'm dealing with, but it is still discomforting. Not that I am the kind of person that defines myself by my job, but it did give me a sense of purpose and direction. I have no idea what the new year will hold for me in the way of work, but I can't seem to care too much about that at the moment.

Perhaps most disappointing of all is the end of my relationship with my boyfriend. I say "most disappointing" because it carries with it the loss of so many intangible possibilities: a new type of life, marriage, a family. I feel like I made every effort to make "us" work, being as patient and understanding as possible. And, in all fairness, Ian gave it a pretty fair shot, too (or, in his words, he "gave all he could"). But I finally had to realize that if he could not be 100% supportive of me during the most difficult month of my life then I could not continue to fight for us.

I don't really know how my life will shape up in the new year. There are many sorrows to be reconciled, but hopefully there will be more opportunities to be pursued. Only time will tell.