A co-worker of mine once had a photocopy of an inspirational card taped to her office door. The front said "I am flexible and flowing" while the back helped her remember how to be such. I feel like the last three months of my life have been a crash course in how to be/stay flexible and flowing.
Flexibility is not something that has been particularly natural to me, at least not over the past 4 years or so. I had somehow developed a strong desire to be in control: well thought out, structured and on track. I had schedules for what cleaning should be done on which days. I meticulously recorded my workout statistics. I blocked out time to visit friends, read, go for walks and craft. While these things are not dangerous in and of themselves, it did add an unnecessary level of stress and anxiety to my life. I found that occasionally I would get absurdly stressed if I had to sweep my floors on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. Silly, I know. But it was this structure that allowed me to be so damn productive! If I didn't schedule the things I MUST do, how would I have enough time to do the things I WANTED to do?
So I would struggle to find a balance between spontaneity and structure. However, the ordeals of the last few months have literally thrown my structure out the window. How can I worry about sweeping the floors when I'm worrying about adapting to life without Mom and Jen? How can I stress about whether I burned 210 or 340 calories when I don't have a job or a place to live? As painful as the last three months have been, the best lesson I took was to be flexible and flowing. There are some things over which I have a modicum of control. Everything else is up to the capricious fates. As the song goes, "I can learn, like the trees, how to bend, how to sway." If I tried to stay rigid and inflexible and clung to my old structures, I would have cracked. I would have broken from the torrents and gales that have buffeted me.
A motivational speaker once said that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about it. I must admit that there have been times lately when that 10% has seemed REALLY big. But ultimately, it's up to me to decide what to do about it. And honestly, though I've battled with depression and the crushing feelings of hopelessness in the past, it's not an option for me anymore.
One day in the summer of 1999, after a two week trip to Egypt, my history professor asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I had no idea. I've never been that person that could say "Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to..." I thought that maybe I would go on to graduate school, probably for theatre since that was my major. But when it came down to it, and I was accepted to NYU, I realized that wasn't where I needed to be. I can't even imagine how different my life would be if I had taken that path. Instead, I chose to move back to CT and see where my life went from there. Although I didn't know what I would do, I did have an image of WHO I would be.
However, lately it has occurred to me that I am not the person that I imagined myself being during that long ago summer at college. Yes, I am still driven, motivated and creative. But somehow I wandered off the path that would have lead me to be the person that I didn't even know I should be. Because of choices that I made, I let myself become the kind of person that stayed in unhappy situations because it was the "mature" thing to do: I stayed in a stressful and stifling work environment long after I knew it was feeding nothing more than my bank account; I stayed in a dead-end relationship that compromised my self-respect and my integrity; I got so stuck on the way things were that I forgot to dream about how they could be.
I know that it is hard to make changes, but I've never been one quit just because things get hard. On the contrary, I usually dig in my heels and push even harder. And that's what I've done. I left the loving comfort of my dear friends in New England, where I've lived for all but 8 years of my life, and moved to a city I have only visited twice and where I know only one person (and haven't seen her in almost 10 years). I accepted a job that will challenge and excite me, that will be stimulating and rewarding. I picked an apartment that is fun and quirky, bright and airy, to feed those aspects of my personality that I want to foster. And I've done all of this in about 3 weeks. It may take me some time to weigh my options, but I've never been one to procrastinate once I've made up my mind!
And I think it's working, because I've noticed a difference in myself already. I like the look on the face of the woman I see in the mirror lately. She's got that familiar little half-smile on her lips and the mischievous upward tilt to the corners of her eyes that I hadn't seen for a while. There's still a little bit of sadness if you look closely, but it just adds to her strength. Sure, there are moments of doubt and uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if the potholes I'm encountering are really warning signs: like when the movers try to tell me that they are going to deliver my belongings late or my mechanic had trouble fixing my car only to tell me that there is rust on the frame and my tires will need to be replaced soon so maybe I should think about selling it. The nice thing about being "flexible and flowing" is that it makes it a bit less jarring when I come to those bumps and holes in the road: instead of being knocked off course, I just shift and adjust a little then keep on flowing.
I don't regret the detour that I took to get to where I am, because it was necessary. I had to figure out who I wasn't so I could work on becoming who I am meant to be. I know I have my work cut out for me, but I also know that I'm up to the challenge!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Homeless no more!
I have always known that I am a "nester." I'm one of those people who love to have their homes in order: a place for everything and everything in its place. So, as you may imagine, the past week of living in boxes and trying to stuff everything I own into a 6x7x8 foot box has been a wee bit stressful. Add to that the fact that I didn't know when or where I was going to unpack said belongings, and it's not surprising that I haven't been sleeping well. However, that challenge has been overcome because I have put a deposit down on a new apartment!
Yesterday Joy and I went on a whirlwind apartment tour in Savannah. We viewed about 8 different places all over town. And, in true Skye fashion, I ended up taking the first apartment we looked at! I had to keep my word to Dad that I actually look at all the choices before I decide on one, but I knew as soon as I walked in that THIS was going to be my new home!
For the first time in almost 7 years, I will NOT be living on the third floor. After dragging all those boxes and furniture down 3 flights of stairs, I'm actually very excited to be living on the first floor again.
The kitchen is great! There are lots of cabinets and good counter space and windows! There's also room for an actual dining table, either in the kitchen or in the "dining room" (I have a dining room now!).
The apartment has three bedrooms and one and a half baths. This is the front bedroom and I love the hide-away doors that divide it from the second bedroom and the HIGH ceilings!
I have not yet decided which room will be my bedroom, which will be the craft room, and where all my lucky friends will get to sleep when they come visit (hint hint).
There's not really enough space for a veggie garden, and I'll have to talk to the SCAD students upstairs about throwing their pizza crusts into the back yard. But no place is perfect, right? Besides, I am only about a mile from the river and very close to all the fun downtown stuff. I can hardly wait to learn my way around the city and show it off to anyone who comes to visit (hint hint).
I also stopped in to see John, my new boss. It is so different to be starting a job in a "leadership role" instead of a support role. He was so eager to be sure that I have everything I need to get started. I can't even explain how excited I am about this job. I know that it will be stimulating and challenging and that I am going to be wonderful! Of course there are tiny butterflies in my stomach, just because it's something new. But I feel like I'm getting back on course to be the person I was meant to be.
But on a sad note, my poor car is in the shop. Driving back to Dad's from Savannah something fell off from underneath the tractor trailer in front of me. I thought it just banged along underneath, but my radiator got impaled by the shrapnel. Luckily I was able to make it to the Dairy Queen in Kingsland and call the awesome repair guys that Dad uses (Ray Marr & Sons in Woodbine, should you ever need car repairs in Camden County). Joy said, and I agreed, that we were very lucky this hunk of metal went under the car and not into the windshield. It's a good thing we were at Dairy Queen because I needed some sugary comfort. Especially when I went to put the flashlight back in the glove box, but ended up tossing my keys in there instead and locking myself out! Did I mention that I hadn't been sleeping well? Andy was able to jimmy open the door and tow my car to the shop, now I'm just waiting to see how much the damage will cost. But all in all, it was a good day.
Yesterday Joy and I went on a whirlwind apartment tour in Savannah. We viewed about 8 different places all over town. And, in true Skye fashion, I ended up taking the first apartment we looked at! I had to keep my word to Dad that I actually look at all the choices before I decide on one, but I knew as soon as I walked in that THIS was going to be my new home!
For the first time in almost 7 years, I will NOT be living on the third floor. After dragging all those boxes and furniture down 3 flights of stairs, I'm actually very excited to be living on the first floor again.The kitchen is great! There are lots of cabinets and good counter space and windows! There's also room for an actual dining table, either in the kitchen or in the "dining room" (I have a dining room now!).The apartment has three bedrooms and one and a half baths. This is the front bedroom and I love the hide-away doors that divide it from the second bedroom and the HIGH ceilings!I have not yet decided which room will be my bedroom, which will be the craft room, and where all my lucky friends will get to sleep when they come visit (hint hint).There's not really enough space for a veggie garden, and I'll have to talk to the SCAD students upstairs about throwing their pizza crusts into the back yard. But no place is perfect, right? Besides, I am only about a mile from the river and very close to all the fun downtown stuff. I can hardly wait to learn my way around the city and show it off to anyone who comes to visit (hint hint).
I also stopped in to see John, my new boss. It is so different to be starting a job in a "leadership role" instead of a support role. He was so eager to be sure that I have everything I need to get started. I can't even explain how excited I am about this job. I know that it will be stimulating and challenging and that I am going to be wonderful! Of course there are tiny butterflies in my stomach, just because it's something new. But I feel like I'm getting back on course to be the person I was meant to be.
But on a sad note, my poor car is in the shop. Driving back to Dad's from Savannah something fell off from underneath the tractor trailer in front of me. I thought it just banged along underneath, but my radiator got impaled by the shrapnel. Luckily I was able to make it to the Dairy Queen in Kingsland and call the awesome repair guys that Dad uses (Ray Marr & Sons in Woodbine, should you ever need car repairs in Camden County). Joy said, and I agreed, that we were very lucky this hunk of metal went under the car and not into the windshield. It's a good thing we were at Dairy Queen because I needed some sugary comfort. Especially when I went to put the flashlight back in the glove box, but ended up tossing my keys in there instead and locking myself out! Did I mention that I hadn't been sleeping well? Andy was able to jimmy open the door and tow my car to the shop, now I'm just waiting to see how much the damage will cost. But all in all, it was a good day.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Savannah, here I come!
Finally, some good news! I was offered (and accepted) the position of Education Coordinator in Savannah, GA! I will be working with various not-for-profits, civic groups, local government and businesses to "decrease poverty and increase financial well being." How awesome is that?!? It is a brand-spanking-new position so I will have the opportunity to grow and develop it from the ground up, with support and direction from the wonderful folks who are already striving towards that worthy goal.
There are so many ways that this is exciting. The first, and simplest really, is that it will be my job to help people. I understand, of course, that there will be frustrations and failures along the way, but I truly believe that the fact that my ultimate job is to help people to help themselves will make those frustrations all the more bearable. Second, this position is much more suited to my natural personality: I am a people-person and love to help others learn. Third, this position requires me to network, which means I will be active in my community and meet so many people in my new city! Fourth, I will be moving to Savannah, which is by all accounts an amazing and interesting city that is a mere 2 hour drive from my dad and sister. Fifth, I will be able to use skills and experiences from almost all of my past jobs to help this career choice succeed.
As I write this I am sitting on a cushion in the nearly empty Connecticut apartment. Pumpkin is all settled in at his new home, Ian's apartment. I know I will miss his furry face and feline antics, but hard decisions had to be made and I must believe this one is for the best. My possessions are more than half packed and awaiting the delivery of the "relocation cubes" this Tuesday. The cubes will be picked up on Friday and by Saturday morning I will be on the road to Georgia (via a stop with Lee and Laura in Virgina). I have been scouring the Internet in hopes of arranging several apartment viewings for next Monday and Tuesday. I start work on March 2nd, so it will be a stressful few weeks while I try to learn the ropes of my new job and get situated in a new apartment. But really, after everything I've dealt with the last few months, this will be a piece of cake.
In all honesty, the most important thing I learned about myself lately is that I am more flexible than I ever imagined. I have rolled with all the punches that fate threw at me and have been able to, for the most part, keep my eye on the positive and work towards building a new life. Of course, I haven't done it alone. The support of my friends and family have really been the life line that has kept me afloat. Dad and Joy have been so encouraging and hopeful. Karen, Eric and Kimberly have helped me remember how to laugh. Julie and Amanda have been so kind and thoughtful with loving gifts. Alana let me vent, babble and rant and reminded me that distance is no barrier to true friendship. Deb and Garen have been cheerleaders of the best kind. Mom and Dad Saporita are rocks of constancy for me, even in the midst of their own grief. Lee and Laura offered a place to rest and encouragement in the face of my own uncertainty. Nancy and Yvonne helped with the seemingly overwhelming task of sorting and packing my apartment, and brought well-needed humor to the project. John let me be vulnerable and fragile when I needed, and in turn taught me the meaning of strength. I am so richly blessed by these amazing people (and all the others who I wasn't able to mention by name because now I've started crying and have to go blow my nose). Thank you all.
There are so many ways that this is exciting. The first, and simplest really, is that it will be my job to help people. I understand, of course, that there will be frustrations and failures along the way, but I truly believe that the fact that my ultimate job is to help people to help themselves will make those frustrations all the more bearable. Second, this position is much more suited to my natural personality: I am a people-person and love to help others learn. Third, this position requires me to network, which means I will be active in my community and meet so many people in my new city! Fourth, I will be moving to Savannah, which is by all accounts an amazing and interesting city that is a mere 2 hour drive from my dad and sister. Fifth, I will be able to use skills and experiences from almost all of my past jobs to help this career choice succeed.
As I write this I am sitting on a cushion in the nearly empty Connecticut apartment. Pumpkin is all settled in at his new home, Ian's apartment. I know I will miss his furry face and feline antics, but hard decisions had to be made and I must believe this one is for the best. My possessions are more than half packed and awaiting the delivery of the "relocation cubes" this Tuesday. The cubes will be picked up on Friday and by Saturday morning I will be on the road to Georgia (via a stop with Lee and Laura in Virgina). I have been scouring the Internet in hopes of arranging several apartment viewings for next Monday and Tuesday. I start work on March 2nd, so it will be a stressful few weeks while I try to learn the ropes of my new job and get situated in a new apartment. But really, after everything I've dealt with the last few months, this will be a piece of cake.
In all honesty, the most important thing I learned about myself lately is that I am more flexible than I ever imagined. I have rolled with all the punches that fate threw at me and have been able to, for the most part, keep my eye on the positive and work towards building a new life. Of course, I haven't done it alone. The support of my friends and family have really been the life line that has kept me afloat. Dad and Joy have been so encouraging and hopeful. Karen, Eric and Kimberly have helped me remember how to laugh. Julie and Amanda have been so kind and thoughtful with loving gifts. Alana let me vent, babble and rant and reminded me that distance is no barrier to true friendship. Deb and Garen have been cheerleaders of the best kind. Mom and Dad Saporita are rocks of constancy for me, even in the midst of their own grief. Lee and Laura offered a place to rest and encouragement in the face of my own uncertainty. Nancy and Yvonne helped with the seemingly overwhelming task of sorting and packing my apartment, and brought well-needed humor to the project. John let me be vulnerable and fragile when I needed, and in turn taught me the meaning of strength. I am so richly blessed by these amazing people (and all the others who I wasn't able to mention by name because now I've started crying and have to go blow my nose). Thank you all.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Taking Control
I never expected that I would end up working out emotional kinks in a blog. I thought I would occasionally post some pictures of neat craft projects or Pumpkin looking cute. I mean, I have a journal for all that messy, emotional stuff, right? While that's true, my journal doesn't provide the same kind of supportive feedback that I've gotten from the friends who read my blog. I guess there is something to say about staying electronically connected.
So, cyber-friends, what have I been up to lately? Well, I made decent progress on cleaning out the house. Still, I look around sometimes and wonder what exactly I have accomplished. There are twelve 56-gallon plastic tote boxes full of craft supplies that I want to keep. Yes, twelve. They are neatly stacked in the garage with the 9 boxes of craft books that I also want to keep. It's overwhelming to think about trying to find an apartment big enough to let me keep all of that AND have room for a bed! But I'll make it work...somehow.
Speaking of finding an apartment... As some of you may know, I was planning on seeing some things through in Connecticut then attempting to relocate to the peachy state of Georgia. Instead of waiting for a tentative, temporary job offer, I decided to take control of my life and just get the hell out of Dodge. I am driving home this weekend and will spend the next three weeks in a whirlwind of purging, packing and saying goodbye to the dear friends I leave behind. Yes, this means I will be moving in the midst of a very cold and snowy winter. But the alternative (paying too much rent with too little money) is even less appealing. I am a bit concerned about going back "home" to my apartment. I know I'll have lots to keep me busy, but I just went through a huge cleaning-out and I hope I have the strength for another. I'm not looking forward to leaving my amazing friends in the area, either. I also have to find a way to reconcile the feelings of failure that come with having to move back home again as an adult. Yuck.
While this change of plans does add a bit of stress to the next few weeks, it also lifts a good deal of anxiety. I can stop playing the What-if Game: what if I don't get the assignment? or if it ends early? or runs longer? It will also get me back in Georgia sooner, which will hopefully mean I can find a job here faster.
I'm still trying to get on some kind of even ground with my emotions. Does it ever really happen? Will I ever be able to walk into a craft store or hear a Bon Jovi song and not get teary-eyed? I've had several different dreams about both my Mom and Jen and while it's great to see them again, it's also disturbing because it usually takes me several minutes after I've woken up to remember that they're gone. It's like picking the scab off all over again. No, it's more like a sucker punch in the gut. The past few days have been especially tough, for no discernible reason. Just the ebb and flow of grief, I guess. But I've felt even more vulnerable than usual. I almost had to walk out on the opening scene of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (a daughter saying goodbye to her dying mother). I think that scene would have torn me up even if I hadn't just lost Mom, but things being as they are it was almost too much. One line stuck with me: If we didn't lose the ones we love, how would we ever know how much they meant to us? I would like to meet that writer and sucker punch him in the gut.
So, cyber-friends, what have I been up to lately? Well, I made decent progress on cleaning out the house. Still, I look around sometimes and wonder what exactly I have accomplished. There are twelve 56-gallon plastic tote boxes full of craft supplies that I want to keep. Yes, twelve. They are neatly stacked in the garage with the 9 boxes of craft books that I also want to keep. It's overwhelming to think about trying to find an apartment big enough to let me keep all of that AND have room for a bed! But I'll make it work...somehow.
Speaking of finding an apartment... As some of you may know, I was planning on seeing some things through in Connecticut then attempting to relocate to the peachy state of Georgia. Instead of waiting for a tentative, temporary job offer, I decided to take control of my life and just get the hell out of Dodge. I am driving home this weekend and will spend the next three weeks in a whirlwind of purging, packing and saying goodbye to the dear friends I leave behind. Yes, this means I will be moving in the midst of a very cold and snowy winter. But the alternative (paying too much rent with too little money) is even less appealing. I am a bit concerned about going back "home" to my apartment. I know I'll have lots to keep me busy, but I just went through a huge cleaning-out and I hope I have the strength for another. I'm not looking forward to leaving my amazing friends in the area, either. I also have to find a way to reconcile the feelings of failure that come with having to move back home again as an adult. Yuck.
While this change of plans does add a bit of stress to the next few weeks, it also lifts a good deal of anxiety. I can stop playing the What-if Game: what if I don't get the assignment? or if it ends early? or runs longer? It will also get me back in Georgia sooner, which will hopefully mean I can find a job here faster.
I'm still trying to get on some kind of even ground with my emotions. Does it ever really happen? Will I ever be able to walk into a craft store or hear a Bon Jovi song and not get teary-eyed? I've had several different dreams about both my Mom and Jen and while it's great to see them again, it's also disturbing because it usually takes me several minutes after I've woken up to remember that they're gone. It's like picking the scab off all over again. No, it's more like a sucker punch in the gut. The past few days have been especially tough, for no discernible reason. Just the ebb and flow of grief, I guess. But I've felt even more vulnerable than usual. I almost had to walk out on the opening scene of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (a daughter saying goodbye to her dying mother). I think that scene would have torn me up even if I hadn't just lost Mom, but things being as they are it was almost too much. One line stuck with me: If we didn't lose the ones we love, how would we ever know how much they meant to us? I would like to meet that writer and sucker punch him in the gut.
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