Taking Control

I never expected that I would end up working out emotional kinks in a blog. I thought I would occasionally post some pictures of neat craft projects or Pumpkin looking cute. I mean, I have a journal for all that messy, emotional stuff, right? While that's true, my journal doesn't provide the same kind of supportive feedback that I've gotten from the friends who read my blog. I guess there is something to say about staying electronically connected.

So, cyber-friends, what have I been up to lately? Well, I made decent progress on cleaning out the house. Still, I look around sometimes and wonder what exactly I have accomplished. There are twelve 56-gallon plastic tote boxes full of craft supplies that I want to keep. Yes, twelve. They are neatly stacked in the garage with the 9 boxes of craft books that I also want to keep. It's overwhelming to think about trying to find an apartment big enough to let me keep all of that AND have room for a bed! But I'll make it work...somehow.

Speaking of finding an apartment... As some of you may know, I was planning on seeing some things through in Connecticut then attempting to relocate to the peachy state of Georgia. Instead of waiting for a tentative, temporary job offer, I decided to take control of my life and just get the hell out of Dodge. I am driving home this weekend and will spend the next three weeks in a whirlwind of purging, packing and saying goodbye to the dear friends I leave behind. Yes, this means I will be moving in the midst of a very cold and snowy winter. But the alternative (paying too much rent with too little money) is even less appealing. I am a bit concerned about going back "home" to my apartment. I know I'll have lots to keep me busy, but I just went through a huge cleaning-out and I hope I have the strength for another. I'm not looking forward to leaving my amazing friends in the area, either. I also have to find a way to reconcile the feelings of failure that come with having to move back home again as an adult. Yuck.

While this change of plans does add a bit of stress to the next few weeks, it also lifts a good deal of anxiety. I can stop playing the What-if Game: what if I don't get the assignment? or if it ends early? or runs longer? It will also get me back in Georgia sooner, which will hopefully mean I can find a job here faster.

I'm still trying to get on some kind of even ground with my emotions. Does it ever really happen? Will I ever be able to walk into a craft store or hear a Bon Jovi song and not get teary-eyed? I've had several different dreams about both my Mom and Jen and while it's great to see them again, it's also disturbing because it usually takes me several minutes after I've woken up to remember that they're gone. It's like picking the scab off all over again. No, it's more like a sucker punch in the gut. The past few days have been especially tough, for no discernible reason. Just the ebb and flow of grief, I guess. But I've felt even more vulnerable than usual. I almost had to walk out on the opening scene of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (a daughter saying goodbye to her dying mother). I think that scene would have torn me up even if I hadn't just lost Mom, but things being as they are it was almost too much. One line stuck with me: If we didn't lose the ones we love, how would we ever know how much they meant to us? I would like to meet that writer and sucker punch him in the gut.