Flexible and Flowing

A co-worker of mine once had a photocopy of an inspirational card taped to her office door. The front said "I am flexible and flowing" while the back helped her remember how to be such. I feel like the last three months of my life have been a crash course in how to be/stay flexible and flowing.

Flexibility is not something that has been particularly natural to me, at least not over the past 4 years or so. I had somehow developed a strong desire to be in control: well thought out, structured and on track. I had schedules for what cleaning should be done on which days. I meticulously recorded my workout statistics. I blocked out time to visit friends, read, go for walks and craft. While these things are not dangerous in and of themselves, it did add an unnecessary level of stress and anxiety to my life. I found that occasionally I would get absurdly stressed if I had to sweep my floors on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. Silly, I know. But it was this structure that allowed me to be so damn productive! If I didn't schedule the things I MUST do, how would I have enough time to do the things I WANTED to do?

So I would struggle to find a balance between spontaneity and structure. However, the ordeals of the last few months have literally thrown my structure out the window. How can I worry about sweeping the floors when I'm worrying about adapting to life without Mom and Jen? How can I stress about whether I burned 210 or 340 calories when I don't have a job or a place to live? As painful as the last three months have been, the best lesson I took was to be flexible and flowing. There are some things over which I have a modicum of control. Everything else is up to the capricious fates. As the song goes, "I can learn, like the trees, how to bend, how to sway." If I tried to stay rigid and inflexible and clung to my old structures, I would have cracked. I would have broken from the torrents and gales that have buffeted me.

A motivational speaker once said that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about it. I must admit that there have been times lately when that 10% has seemed REALLY big. But ultimately, it's up to me to decide what to do about it. And honestly, though I've battled with depression and the crushing feelings of hopelessness in the past, it's not an option for me anymore.

One day in the summer of 1999, after a two week trip to Egypt, my history professor asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I had no idea. I've never been that person that could say "Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to..." I thought that maybe I would go on to graduate school, probably for theatre since that was my major. But when it came down to it, and I was accepted to NYU, I realized that wasn't where I needed to be. I can't even imagine how different my life would be if I had taken that path. Instead, I chose to move back to CT and see where my life went from there. Although I didn't know what I would do, I did have an image of WHO I would be.

However, lately it has occurred to me that I am not the person that I imagined myself being during that long ago summer at college. Yes, I am still driven, motivated and creative. But somehow I wandered off the path that would have lead me to be the person that I didn't even know I should be. Because of choices that I made, I let myself become the kind of person that stayed in unhappy situations because it was the "mature" thing to do: I stayed in a stressful and stifling work environment long after I knew it was feeding nothing more than my bank account; I stayed in a dead-end relationship that compromised my self-respect and my integrity; I got so stuck on the way things were that I forgot to dream about how they could be.

I know that it is hard to make changes, but I've never been one quit just because things get hard. On the contrary, I usually dig in my heels and push even harder. And that's what I've done. I left the loving comfort of my dear friends in New England, where I've lived for all but 8 years of my life, and moved to a city I have only visited twice and where I know only one person (and haven't seen her in almost 10 years). I accepted a job that will challenge and excite me, that will be stimulating and rewarding. I picked an apartment that is fun and quirky, bright and airy, to feed those aspects of my personality that I want to foster. And I've done all of this in about 3 weeks. It may take me some time to weigh my options, but I've never been one to procrastinate once I've made up my mind!

And I think it's working, because I've noticed a difference in myself already. I like the look on the face of the woman I see in the mirror lately. She's got that familiar little half-smile on her lips and the mischievous upward tilt to the corners of her eyes that I hadn't seen for a while. There's still a little bit of sadness if you look closely, but it just adds to her strength. Sure, there are moments of doubt and uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if the potholes I'm encountering are really warning signs: like when the movers try to tell me that they are going to deliver my belongings late or my mechanic had trouble fixing my car only to tell me that there is rust on the frame and my tires will need to be replaced soon so maybe I should think about selling it. The nice thing about being "flexible and flowing" is that it makes it a bit less jarring when I come to those bumps and holes in the road: instead of being knocked off course, I just shift and adjust a little then keep on flowing.

I don't regret the detour that I took to get to where I am, because it was necessary. I had to figure out who I wasn't so I could work on becoming who I am meant to be. I know I have my work cut out for me, but I also know that I'm up to the challenge!