Religion and spirituality have always interested me. Growing up I went to church with Mom on Sundays, said a quick, perfunctory grace over meals and before bed, and that was about it. Not to say that we were immoral, we just didn't bother God with much outside of those times.
When we moved to Georgia I was exposed to daily, sometimes hourly, religion. People would pray at the drop of a hat about almost everything: classmates prayed about which classes to take, prayed instead of studying, prayed about conversations. It was really interesting to me, this concept of God being a very constant companion. It reminded me of my best friend, Jen, and how we took the same classes, ate in the same lunch block, then went home and talked on the phone all night. I liked the idea of a God who was that available and that comfortable.
I "found Jesus," as they say, while I was at Piedmont. But really, it was more of a catch-and-release encounter. I had some great experiences with some of the Christians on campus, but I also had some really negative ones. I found it hard to buy into the hypocrisy that so many exhibited. It made me question what it really meant to be a Christian, which lead to me question my own beliefs.
When I moved back to Connecticut, I started doing a lot of reading on different religions and spiritual paths. Long story short: I am comfortable with my belief in a higher power (call it God, Goddess, the Divine Spirit, or whatever) but don't ascribe to the human-defined dogma of most major religions. As such, I have been finding my own ways to worship: I create a home that is clean of anger, fear or pain; I give thanks for food and other blessings in my life; I allow myself to be awed by nature and all living things; and I accept the different paths others choose to walk. This allows me to be worshipful whether I am meditating in my living room, walking my dog, or going to a church.
So, I now come to what prompted this posting. Maybe it's because Easter season is coming up and it's a pretty big deal in many religions. Maybe it's because I moved back to Georgia and feel the sway of the church again. But whatever it is, I've been feeling a very strong to desire to find ways to solidify my worship. I don't know exactly what I mean by that, but I guess it means I want to be even more mindful and purposeful about how I give thanks and commune with the Divine. I thought maybe that might mean going back to church.
I know it does not mean going to Dad's church, because I disagree so strongly with many of their tenets. But I thought, maybe another church that is more closely aligned with the things I hold true. On Palm Sunday night I went to Christ Church on Bay Street for their Compline service with Gregorian Chanting. It was a beautiful, candlelight service and I really liked the idea of "singing goodnight to God." While I did find a sense of peace and community, I didn't feel the connection, the awe that I used to feel in a church. And, to be completely honest, they totally lost me with the "I am a poor, pitiful sinner and deserve your eternal wrath" part of the prayer. I just don't believe that we are innately sinful and therefore deserving of wrath and suffering, so it turns me off to be prompted to "confess" this.
But the chanting was lovely and it did bring back sweet memories of leaning against Mom's shoulder during a sermon and smelling her lipstick and perfume. Maybe it's not so much a solidification of worship that I'm looking for. Maybe I'm greiving for the comfort and familiarity that was lost with Mom and Jen. Maybe the best way to honor and worship the Divine is to be whole and present in our loving of others. I will continue to explore ways to worship, and might even end up finding religion again. But I know that whatever spiritual path I find myself on will be right for me, and right where I am supposed to be.
2 comments:
Hi, Skye. If you are thinking about testing out a church, try the Episcopal one. Tim Lytle always said, "Episcopalians can believe whatever they want to believe as long as it's not tacky." You can also try looking at it like I do as partly your participation in or carrying out of tradition more than a subscription to a specific set of religious beliefs. I also think finding a pretty church that you find visually inspiring helps. For me, it's less about "finding God" or Jesus or whatever and more about a focused group meditation time that includes prayers and rituals that I find familiar and comforting.
Also, Episcopal churches often have Sunday evening services that they usually call vespers or evensong. These are mostly short, choral services that allow more opportunity for quiet reflection. Less hymn-singing and sitting-and-standing and preaching going on.
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